When I found out I was pregnant, I thought it was a fluke. So many years of trying to have a baby with my first husband only to find that my period would start right after I got the negative test result. Not kidding...like the next day it would start. It was November 2017. I had spent the last few years working with my doctors and changing my birth control almost once a year because my cycle was regularly irregular. Let's say in January 1st (round numbers people) then 28 days later, like clock work, my period arrived but then it would magically appear again about 2 weeks later, stick around for the better part of 2 weeks and then disappear for about a month to 1.5 months. It was hard to pinpoint and be prepared so I was just always prepared. So, there I was in the midst of the 1-1.5 months when it seemed to completely disappear that I decided I was done waiting and would fall back to taking a pregnancy test to jump start my period.
It was November 8th. We had just gotten word the day before that one of the local officiants had availability to marry us on November 11th (everyone else was like February/March)! I peed on the stick the next night (the 8th) and it came back positive. It was a Clear Blue test so there was no mistake...it said PREGNANT with no "not" in front of it. I drove to the pharmacy and grabbed another test, complained to my mom, because I couldn't keep it to myself, that one pregnancy test was more expensive than the 2 pack but I didn't need the 2 pack. I told my husband to be that I would take the other test in the morning and regardless of the outcome I would be making an appointment with my doctor to confirm.
Obviously I've talked about my daughter so you can guess how the rest of that played out but why am I telling you all of this? You thought that this was a post about being a stay at home mom right...so here's the thing. My whole pregnancy I had that yearning to be a SAHM. It's not that I have anything against daycare. I wanted her to go to daycare to interact with other kids, build her immune system, give me some time alone like I knew that I would need. What I dreaded was missing out on her milestones. Missing her rolling over, crawling, walking, etc. I grew this human inside of me and I didn't even want my husband to witness these things without me.
Call me selfish but that's what I wanted so badly but I knew that financially we couldn't afford for me to leave my job and be a mom full time. Shortly after she was born I bought a new car because my husband's old car is a WHOLE other story on it's own and maybe I'll share it and link it here sometime. Needless to say I was worried that I would get stuck at work because it wouldn't start he let me trade his car in and use it as my down payment for a new car. I got an SUV so it was easier with my C-Section recovery to get her in and out but every single day that I left her before the sun came up, I felt this massive weight on my chest. It felt like a giant poll was rammed right through my chest and out my back. That feeling didn't go away until after the sun went down and I was home again with her in my arms!
I would spend weekends envisioning what my life would be like with my daughter as a SAHM. The playdates that we would set up. The trips to the park and the walks we would take. Dropping her off at daycare maybe a couple times a week for half a day so I could do something by myself and she could play with other kids. It was going to be beautiful.
I became a SAHM for what I thought would be a blip on March 13th, 2020. The whole world was about to begin shutting down and I asked her daycare if we could do her two week vacation since I was being sent home on furlough for 2 weeks. It held her spot and we didn't have to make a payment I think. They weren't sure and I told them I could provide them with a letter from my employer about the situation if needed. Honestly I can't remember the outcome because I went back to work on March 30th and long story short on April 10th I was told to remain home on furlough until I was called back to work. Towards the end of September I received a letter stating that my job was being eliminated and that my official last day would be October 1st.
I was forced to become a SAHM. Those playdates couldn't happen because we all had to stay home. Yes we went for walks outside and I was able to power through 4 miles in a little over an hour but we couldn't go to the park because they were closed and we had to stay home. I had been ordering my groceries online for about 1.5 years and had to cancel because I couldn't get a pick up time except for 2 weeks out. I did get to witness a lot of firsts for my daughter which has been wonderful but I'm here over 2 years later. No unemployment benefits left, struggling to pay my car payment every month. My husband telling me to get a job forgetting that we can't afford daycare and I refuse to work just to pay for her daycare and my car payment. I had a great lead on a military program that was going to pay for me to get my personal training certification only to find out when I was ready to sign up that my husband is too high ranking and I don't actually qualify so now I'm back at square one.
Yes I am grateful that we are all happy and healthy (despite my husband bringing home the plague in May and getting us all sick) and that I have been able to watch my daughter grow. I'm excited that in less than a year I'll be signing her up for Kindergarten and she will get to go to school. If I can remember to look, I'm going to start looking for day programs at the local community centers and see if there is anything that I can afford to take her to. I need to be on the lookout on the FB page to see about signing her up for the playgroups at Quantico...maybe make some friends so we can have play dates outside of those. Sure being a SAHM looks and feels nothing like I originally wanted it to but when does life ever turn out exactly as we imagine?
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